Thinking of possible futures

Where my head is at the moment is the trivial question of what to do with the rest of my life!

When I was 13 I had no idea. I’m not sure that many people do, really. Not least because ‘the rest of your life’ is a long, long time and it’s impossible to imagine how you will change and grow, even over the next few years before you leave school.  But it matters, you’re meant to know, because you have to start making the choices that will take you there. I had to choose my GCSE options, then less than two years later A level subjects, then a degree course…and then you are supposed to be there, wherever it is you are going. You get this job and then that one, climbing ladders, building experiences, but essentially doing that thing which you chose way back when, in one form or another, until you retire.  

And now, at the grand old age of 36, I wish to do something totally different.

I know, I know, people do change course – I too have read all the stuff about people having multiple careers these days.  It’s not easy though, because a job is based on your previous experience, which you got through your educational choices…you can explain stuff at an interview of course, but what if your choices just get your form thrown out at first glance? All my qualifications and experience steer me towards education, within a specific subject-specialism, so even if I see a fabulous job I know I can do if it doesn’t line up with those areas I am likely to fall at the first hurdle.  As for self-employed... well we all know that’s hard, and emotionally stressful as well, even within the areas where you are already expert.

I want to be creative, and I didn’t qualify to do anything  in that line. In fact the idea that someone with an exam-ready brain might be interested in a creative path, or in ‘the arts’ never crossed the minds of the people who gave me my ‘careers education’. If it crossed my parents’ minds then they hid it well. I was good at school work ergo I would go to university and do something academic, something ‘appropriate’. For one parent creativity was all ‘that’s lovely, but is anyone going to pay you for it?’; for the other it was focussed on the idea that if you were good enough at something you would produce works of genius regardless, and the world would discover you whatever you did about it, while if you weren’t good enough no-one could teach you it.  At any event it all adds up to me not even knowing that some choices existed - wonderful, fascinating , fulfilling jobs that I did not know existed.  In my university prospectuses I didn’t even look at the degree courses that had anything to do with creativity - they were not for me, I would just do wonderful things if it was in me to do them. 

I did not do wonderful things. I studied law, found my academic passion (religion) by accident, became a teacher  of Religious Studies, and taught well for over a decade. I love my subject still, I want to learn more about it, I don’t want to lose touch with it. But I don’t want to be a teacher anymore.  I have realised that the world will not implode if I let my creativity fly, and having wasted years getting to this point I want to do that. I want to let it fly. So, I think to myself if only I could find a way to make my living creatively…which brings me back to my first point – I didn’t qualify for that. I don’t know much about it.  I can make stuff, and I can sell it online – to a point anyway, but I don’t make a living. Do I want to work purely for myself? Maybe, maybe not. Possibly that requires a degree of confidence in myself and fortitude in the face of adversity that I simply do not have!

Either way, whether I want my own business or to work for someone else I need knowledge I haven’t got. I read books of course, but you need to know what you don’t know to find the right books! Also there is no substitute for personal feedback on things, from people who know their stuff.

I keep thinking about this – what do I want to do, and how do I go about doing it? There are practical things I don’t know, as well as conventions and expectations; I have no relevant experience to offer; no portfolio in the sense of something which fits the expectations of the people to whom I’m giving it; no real knowledge even of what jobs exist ‘out there’ or of where to look to find them. And when I do spot something and think not only ‘I could do that’, but also ‘I would enjoy that’, the information about it says, without exception, that I must have this or that qualification - even stuff which fits on my ‘education’ hook wants me to have an arts qualification.

So I suppose I could do the qualification thing - I have two undergraduate degrees already,  and a Masters,  so you might say why not add to the collection. But to do what?  I don’t know, beyond a desire to create beautiful things. Do I consider courses in terms of possible jobs as I did all those years ago, or do I finally think about my interests and enthusiasms? If a course, what sort of course – undergrad, diploma, non-accredited? How do I pay for it while still having the energy to do the work? (some teachers manage to teach and study I know, but I don’t think that works for me as I would do neither thing to the full). What if I choose the wrong thing? And, of course, because I am me, the nagging fear - what if I commit to some course or other, love it and find that I am talentless. Or even worse, just talented enough to know that I will never be able to do what I want to, to create what I see in my head.

Alternatively I could throw myself further into academic work, which I enjoy. Pursue PhD options, carry on creating as a hobby and hope that satisfies. What if this, what if that? Round and round in circles I go, getting nowhere fast...