Where my head is at the moment is the trivial question of
what to do with the rest of my life!
When I was 13 I had no idea. I’m not sure that many people
do, really. Not least because ‘the rest of your life’ is a long, long time and
it’s impossible to imagine how you will change and grow, even over the next few
years before you leave school. But it
matters, you’re meant to know, because you have to start making the choices
that will take you there. I had to choose my GCSE options, then less than two
years later A level subjects, then a degree course…and then you are supposed to
be there, wherever it is you are going. You get this job and then that one,
climbing ladders, building experiences, but essentially doing that thing which
you chose way back when, in one form or another, until you retire.
And now, at the grand old age of 36, I wish to do something
totally different.
I know, I know, people do change course – I too have read
all the stuff about people having multiple careers these days. It’s not easy though, because a job is based
on your previous experience, which you got through your educational choices…you
can explain stuff at an interview of course, but what if your choices just get
your form thrown out at first glance? All my qualifications and experience steer
me towards education, within a specific subject-specialism, so even if I see a
fabulous job I know I can do if it doesn’t line up with those areas I am likely
to fall at the first hurdle. As for
self-employed... well we all know that’s hard, and emotionally stressful as
well, even within the areas where you are already expert.
I want to be creative, and I didn’t qualify to do anything in that line. In fact the idea that someone
with an exam-ready brain might be interested in a creative path, or in ‘the
arts’ never crossed the minds of the people who gave me my ‘careers education’.
If it crossed my parents’ minds then they hid it well. I was good at school
work ergo I would go to university and do something academic, something ‘appropriate’.
For one parent creativity was all ‘that’s lovely, but is anyone going to pay you
for it?’; for the other it was focussed on the idea that if you were good
enough at something you would produce works of genius regardless, and the world
would discover you whatever you did about it, while if you weren’t good enough
no-one could teach you it. At any event
it all adds up to me not even knowing that some choices existed - wonderful,
fascinating , fulfilling jobs that I did not know existed. In my university prospectuses I didn’t even
look at the degree courses that had anything to do with creativity - they were
not for me, I would just do wonderful things if it was in me to do them.
I did not do wonderful things. I studied law, found my
academic passion (religion) by accident, became a teacher of Religious Studies, and taught well for over
a decade. I love my subject still, I want to learn more about it, I don’t want
to lose touch with it. But I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. I have realised that the world will not
implode if I let my creativity fly, and having wasted years getting to this
point I want to do that. I want to let it fly. So, I think to myself if only I
could find a way to make my living creatively…which brings me back to my first
point – I didn’t qualify for that. I don’t know much about it. I can make stuff, and I can sell it online –
to a point anyway, but I don’t make a living. Do I want to work purely for
myself? Maybe, maybe not. Possibly that requires a degree of confidence in myself
and fortitude in the face of adversity that I simply do not have!
Either way, whether I want my own business or to work for
someone else I need knowledge I haven’t got. I read books of course, but you
need to know what you don’t know to find the right books! Also there is no
substitute for personal feedback on things, from people who know their stuff.
I keep thinking about this – what do I want to do, and how
do I go about doing it? There are practical things I don’t know, as well as
conventions and expectations; I have no relevant experience to offer; no
portfolio in the sense of something which fits the expectations of the people
to whom I’m giving it; no real knowledge even of what jobs exist ‘out there’ or
of where to look to find them. And when I do spot something and think not only
‘I could do that’, but also ‘I would enjoy that’, the information about it says,
without exception, that I must have
this or that qualification - even stuff which fits on my ‘education’ hook wants me
to have an arts qualification.
So I suppose I could do the qualification thing - I have two
undergraduate degrees already, and a
Masters, so you might say why not add to
the collection. But to do what? I don’t
know, beyond a desire to create beautiful things. Do I consider courses in
terms of possible jobs as I did all those years ago, or do I finally think
about my interests and enthusiasms? If a course, what sort of course – undergrad, diploma,
non-accredited? How do I pay for it while still having the energy to do the
work? (some teachers manage to teach and study I know, but I don’t think that works for me as I would do neither thing to the full). What if I choose the
wrong thing? And, of course, because I am me, the nagging fear - what if I
commit to some course or other, love it and find that I am talentless. Or even
worse, just talented enough to know that I will never be able to do what I want
to, to create what I see in my head.
Alternatively I could throw myself further into academic work,
which I enjoy. Pursue PhD options, carry on creating as a hobby and hope that satisfies. What if
this, what if that? Round and round in circles I go, getting nowhere fast...
