The Power of Expectation

Low self-esteem, self doubt, fear of failure...whatever you call it. The more I talk about it the more I discover how many people feel it; are, if not crippled by it then tormented at least. We cover it well in general, laugh at ourselves, shrug it off. But where does it come from? You can feel bad about failing to meet your own expectations of course, but that's not quite what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the kind of self-doubt that stops you doing things, or trying to do them. Not the tried-and-failed kind of upset, but the there's-no-point-in-even-trying-however-much-I-want-to kind. It says something about the world we live in.

Not the natural world but the world we have created. A world, a society, with expectations that are perhaps never spelled out but of which we are all aware and which grip us and pull at us and press us into particular shapes or hustle us in particular directions. Some of them are social or cultural expectations - you must want to have a career, to be promoted, you must want to own your own house, and so on. Others are more personal. I once knew a very talented musician/composer. She wasn't only good, she loved it too. And I remember a conversation with her mother, about how it would be foolish for her to study music beyond GCSE because it wouldn't be of any use in future life and it might make her want things that she couldn't have. The principles underlying this seem to me to have been that education's sole purpose is to equip you to earn your living, that only a few privileged people can earn their living. Also that it is bad to long for things you can't have and that if you can protect someone from that you should...

I question all of those assumptions - to me education is about far more than employability; 'use' is a highly subjective term at best, certainly whether something has practical purpose and/or brings a financial reward is not a full and complete summary of its value; and, of course, if you begin with the assumption you can't then you do not try, and then obviously you can't! A trite statement perhaps, but true nonetheless.

I'm not saying that she would have been world famous had her family supported her. But in the light of that framework of expectations, assumptions and definitions how was she supposed to find out? I also grew up with a mental list of things marked 'not for you' - I suspect everyone does to a degree. No-one deliberately intended to limit and restrict me, to reduce my potential but that was the effect of it. For me the list included not only things I was not supposed to be able to do at all, which included all forms of visual art, but also things that I might be able to do but which depended on fate (on which one cannot rely) in order to make any money (of course the only reason one would do anything!). There was also the strong sense that if I pursued the things I might be able to do, and succeeded at them, then I would be hurting others who had not been so lucky. I chose my degree course on the basis of these assumptions - my academic interests were, and remain wide but I based my choice on other peoples beliefs about what was 'worthwhile' and I didn't choose with my interests, or my desires. What I did choose was law, which was interesting but which I realised pretty soon was never going to be my life's work. But still there is that persistent belief, 'only a very few people can do X', 'you have to know the right people to make X work out'...

Anyway my point is that I have had to spend a lot of time and effort finding out about these underlying 'shoulds' before I was able to make the art that I make now. I finished a painting this week, and I am pretty pleased with it - it's not bad for someone who can't do art!

This quote by Einstein was printed in 'The Week' magazine. I hadn't come across this one before but it spoke to me
"If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will live its whole life believing it is stupid."